Finding Me

Photo by spbm

Finding me.

The past few years I have been so busy taking care of someone else that I have been gradually fading and withering into non existence.  So absorbed in taking care of someone that I could no longer think of myself in any way – it felt selfish to think of myself. While I made sure David ate properly, took meds, was treated daily, checked blood glucose anywhere from four to 10 times a day, (depending on what else was going on with him as to how many checks were done), doctor appointments almost on a daily basis, sitting through many surgeries and hospital stays, my existence seemed important only to take care of him. Caring for myself was not on the radar.

I did not see it until today; I had faded into non existence

.

There was a time when I was so excited about everything in life - I loved/love nature, fashion, décor, exercising, cooking, creating…all those and more have been put on hold. I used to write beautiful and moving poetry, not a word for the past five years. Listening to classical or beautiful music could move me to tears. There are moments now and then when things do, but not in the majestic and magical way they used to.

There is no doubt in my mind that I allowed this immune disease to move in and take up residence in my body. Too much thinking and wondering if everything I was experiencing was all there was to my life... too many thoughts of “no purpose and no identity” invaded my mind and soul – allowing this disease. If nothing else, my surgery, hospital stay, and recovery has been a wakeup call. I am thankful!

It’s strange, it really is, but I feel good about things today. I feel alive and very excited for the first time in a very long time.

I am hopeful this is not a momentarily euphoria.