how do you shut down the brain?

It's a New Year! YAY!!!!
I'm hoping and expecting good things this year, for me and for you.

Night before last, I wrestled with my sheets, my pillow, and my mind ALL night long. I was ready to throw things. If I could have found a switch any where to shut my brain off I would have. My thoughts were drunk on worry, I guess. It was a long and miserable night.

Last night was quite a bit better. I need my sleep anymore. I want sleep!!! When I don't sleep, I don't feel like anything the next day, really crappy and cranky, actually. What happened to the days when I seriously could go for 2-3 days with no sleep???

Photo by spbm

Wishing everyone a beautiful weekend ahead!

xoxo

It's July. Really???

(Every thing in my yard has died from the extreme heat and lack of watering.) :(

It's been a difficult and hot summer, not all bad but difficult. It's not the physical stuff that gets me but the mental strain that pulls everything out of me, leaving me drained. I've had little time to do any blogging - taking care of D. is a full time job. I check his feet twice a day and treat them once a day, wrapping them twice a day, lots of blood sugar and blood pressure checks. Nowhere close to being out of the woods, but they are better. A few more weeks left of taking antibiotics.

The home health nurse comes by twice a week and she is great! I love her! It is really nice knowing I have a number to call if I have a question that may or may not need the attention of a doctor. Having her available to call is a real blessing.

There are times the load is so heavy to have to carry alone, that I almost can't breathe. It's only that I have no choice that I find the next breath. Sometimes I want to run but there is nowhere to run - and perhaps it's a good thing.

I've been a caregiver for so long that I no longer know any other way. I feel I do not exist without taking care of someone.

I questions so much about this life...without finding any answers. Some days I believe one way, the next day I believe another.

Choices

Photo by SPBM

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Friday

I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like the colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket. ~sylvia plath

Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future. ~deepak chopra

The man who looks for security, even in the mind, is like a man who would chop off his limbs in order to have artificial ones which will give him no pain or trouble. ~henry miller

Wanting...

“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.”


― Sylvia Plath